Brainflakes

After a brief hiatus...

2010-02-28T01:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those great ideas? The sort you just know will be a winner?

Yes, so did I! Apparently about three years ago when I started what can now be considered one of the worst blogs in blog history.

But alas I have returned. At least for another post... Then I may vanish again for three more years.

Spotting me is like being the guy or gal who actually catches the snipe. Only then do you learn the horrifying fact that there really is no snipe.

Everybody runs away from you and your madly thrashing paper bag full of not-snipe.

My years have been quite good. I've had a new baby... Kept the same job... Alienated more people... All in all, I can't complain since my last post. Though I still have not made it into space yet. What gives with that bogus junk?

I'm sad that my poll has gone unanswered by the heaving mass of the Internet people and denizens. I promise, no new polls. At least for a while.

My finger is now tired, and I will give it rest.

Until next time, blog.

The Mercenary Story

2007-09-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

Amazingly enough, a comment on my previous episode of Blogging(tm) was accurate.... very accurate.

My wife, upstairs taking a bath... the kids all nestled in bed... and in less than 24 hours I'll be back in Mississippi alone.

The movies would have me stay home. I'd tell my employer 'how it's going to be' and they'll deal with it, and make it work. The story will end with happy credits and an audiance full of women sniffling and men rolling their eyes.

The Lifetime version of this would have my work magically shift here, my once failing children (who are not failing, by the good word), passing, and my cats would be back meowing outside just as the last scene played out for that uplifting comedic moment. No men would be watching this channel, and women would be comparing their breasts to the main character playing my wife wondering if they too could look like that with a tens of dollars of public-movie casted makeup artists.

The thriller version of my story would have me played by Harrison Ford and I'd be much older, and I'd go on a shooting rampage in the streets of Cookeville against Nazi incursions whilst saving the Ark of the Covenant from the clutches of a zombie Hitler. Guys would be going 'Indy 4 baby' and women would be strangely non-existant in the theatre.

The horror version of this would have my house being a log cabin in the woods, and Jason would try to be hacking us up with a machete. In the end, I'd staple Jason's head to the table with a lightning rod through the forehead hockey mask and cheap CG effects would ensue. Not many guys or women would be watching this, but there'd be a few teens in the back rows making out.

Unfortunately though, the reality of the situation turns out to be that of the Mercenary Story. The guy, played by me who really is me, simply leaves his new home and family and returns to work without much in the way of a fanfare and the only tears shed after I'm sitting in the aisle seat of a packed airplane that has the white plastic overhead racks a dingey yellow and the condition of the plane looks somewhere around the late 1970's. The smiling crew would give me a ginger ale and a bag of crackers while I try to hear them over the static roar of a broken speaker two seats up from me.

Somewhere, reality will converge with fantasy. And in about a month I'll be back in Tennessee, doing my thing, with a happy company whom I didn't tell off or leave, and a happy family who needs to get reacquainted with a husband and father who has been far too missing this last half of the year.

I look forward to fantasy... but I live in a real world. But every so often, even I can smile at the thoughts roaming around my head about what 'could be'; even if it never will happen.

In any event, I'm having a great time in TN, and my wife is sitting next to me, enjoying this moment... we're about to go do PG-13 things.

Really.

Well... I'll try to keep the whips and handcuffs to a minimum...

Fantasy can be a scary thing.

I'm riding on a jet plane

2007-08-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

Hello world.

It is a fantastic day today. Filled with hope, joy, mirth, and apprehension.

It has been a month and a half since I saw my family. Many things have happened in that time. They started school. They began playing soccer. They all found a church they enjoy. I have been replaced by the milkman.

Well, perhaps not mentally, but physically...

Actually let's just leave off that last part.

Let's focus on the escapades yet to happen, in the future!

In the future, I will be riding on an airplane bound for Atlanta. There I will wait with my fellow Atlantians for many hours before making the final hop to Nashville. Once in Nashville, I will be reunited with my everloving family.

Aside from hoping to score some righteous orichalcum in Atlanta, I have many fears and anxieties.

Since this is the first post on this blog, I thought I would share some of my fears and anxieties.

Firstly, I'm fearing that my plane will crash horribly, and I'll die clutching furtively to a cushion clearly labeled 'FLOTATION DEVICE' as we plummet through the air at thousands of feet per second until all that is left behind is half an engine and four acres of burning forest and hills.

They'll find the 'aged woodsman' who was out tending his flock of sheep. And he'll say 'I sawr that plane.. then it crashed inta my truck... it were horrible!' and of course, no news report is done without the eyewitness account of the mother of four in her minivan. 'I feared for the life of my poor children!' she'll say, as a worker finds a bit of foam and labels it 'specimen G354 - possible flotation device remains'.

Aside from that, I also fear seeing my family again! It's like a big first date. Will I live up to their expectations? Will they see me and instantly remember how boring and average I am? What will I talk about on the hour drive that my lovely wife is going to force me to drive home via after my many hours of flight and layovers?

Will irony strike and on the way home we get into a car accident?

There are many fears... many apprehensions. I just hope that my family can see me for what I am. Joe Everybody. Working hard and hardely working at the same time to keep America and his family rolling firmly on the tracks of mediocrity.

I look forward to seeing my family and surviving the trip. Unfortunately though, it will only last this Labor Day, like many people travelling, a mere weekend away from work to spend with the distant family. No doubt climbing back on the plane Monday will be a sad affair.

For now though... I want next Monday to feel like a year away. Stay away, Monday... let me enjoy my family for just a few more short hours...